Never in Full

For the longest time, I've balanced the strategies of compartmentalization and hedging. While I try to minimize the interactions between the different aspects of my life, I also try to make sure that I never give my all to one thing at once. I've done it for the longest time that I can't recall when I started. As long as I can remember, I've done the same with my thoughts and feelings. Even after deep reflection, I cannot recall a single person to whom I've divulged all my secrets or shared all my worries and still felt comfortable enough to continue that friendship. It's just never been my way of doing things.

But I do fantasize. I dream of meeting someone, someday, who I can fully trust. Someone I can surrender all my pent-up emotions and frustrations to, and who I can give all my love to. Someone who could accept everything about me and not force me to change to fit a mold he's prepared. Someone in whose arms I will always find comfort and assurance, and never judgment or resentment. Someone I've dreamed of all my life.

Review and Resolution

2014 in review: I learned that the pain of loss is more devastating than the pain of heartbreak. I learned that when feelings are too great, we lose all capacity for words. I learned that not every form of escapism helps avoid reality. Drinking, eating, and other destructive habits cannot erase emptiness. Traveling, on the other hand, can repair even the greatest damage and plug gaping holes with new memories and experiences. Whether personally or vicariously, by land, air, or sea, new places and new worlds remain the strongest salve.

2015 in target: (1) LOVE. No more lashing out on others, and especially no more lashing out on myself. (2) STRENGTH. Committing to physical health, realizing that spiritual and mental health cannot be detached from it. (3) WISDOM. Investing on what matters, instead of temporary gains and pleasures.

Lifting the Cloud

For the sake of my arm that is once again scaly and rough, I hope this works.

Broken Promises

Today I broke a promise I made to myself. Old habits/coping mechanisms die hard.

Time and Tolerance

My take on time is fairly simple. If I like you, whether romantically or platonically, I would generally want to spend time with you. But the time I spend with friends rests on certain conditions. The more aggressive or vexing you are, the less time I can tolerate to spend with you. Alternatively, the more I feel comfortable around you, the more likely I can tolerate you for longer periods. If I am interested in you, expect me to want to spend time with you. It's my dalagang Filipina way of saying, "Hey I like you. Would you like to get to know me better?"

Of course, if I don't like you, i I'm uncomfortable around you, if your personality stresses me out, or if your presence vexes me to a point where I feel like lashing out... I'll avoid you.

You may or may not take my desire to be around you as criticism, but let me try to illustrate my feelings by taking an example from the animal world: I'm like a turtle. I'm slow to warm up to people and I'm mostly fearful of strangers. I take time to embrace people individually because that's really the extent of my capacity. I am patient but my patience has limits. The more you tap on my shell, the more I withdraw. If you try to infiltrate my safe space, and if I have sharp teeth, I could bite.