Excuses

I hate saying "I'm busy" or "I have a lot of work to do" when I don't. Unfortunately, I have no choice. So long as society thinks of depression as somebody's lame attempt to weasel out of dinner dates or classes or meetings or any other social activities, I have no other way of saying things like:

• I'm dying inside, and I'm thinking of dying on the outside too.
• I slit my wrist the other day and it's not yet healed and I don't want you to see it.
• I'm thinking of cutting my wrists again but making the cut deeper so this would end.
• Everything is not okay and being around you makes me feel like I'm drowning.
• I'm going to spend my day thinking of ways to kill myself without anyone knowing it's a suicide.
• I'm going through a difficult time and the only way I can get through this and get to see you on another day is if you leave me alone and stop pushing.

It's funny how the thought of dying is a less acceptable way of getting out of something than work or dysmenorrhea or traffic. Society is screwed up.

Not Today

When I look down at my scar-covered wrists,
at my hidden bruises and long-healed wounds,
I feel nothing but pride and growing faith.
When one is holding the knife, the blade,
the sharp-tipped pen,
The easiest thing is to press a bit harder, deeper
To stab instead of wound, to hit hard,
to bleed and to break.
It’s the same feeling as standing atop a staircase,
or looking down a balcony
Injured and in pain, cane in hand.
You can hurl yourself over the balustrade
Or you can take each excruciating step down.
People define success very differently, indeed.
But when I wake up every morning
And my first words are,
“No, not today. Not yet.”
I feel like the most successful person in the world.

20 October 2014
Edited: 19 July 2015

Midyear Assessment

So here I am. Again, it's been a while since I last blogged even though I SWORE I would do it more often. Anyway, I thought I'd just write down the most significant things that have happened so far this year so I would not forget.

• My second year of law school has ended. Registration for the next school year is in about two weeks. I still haven't paid off my loan from last semester and we still don't have all grades in. So far though, it looks like another year in Malcolm H[a]ll for me.
• I bought a new laptop. In cash. With a 10,000 PHP loaner from papa. It's a Mac, which signals my separation from Windows. (Note I said separation, not annulment or divorce. We just need some time away from one another. I'll go back to him in a few years and see where it goes.)
• Pat turned 19, Che turned 22, and our parents had their silver wedding anniversary. It was a beautiful affair with a long-winded program that could have been a disaster (a storm was brewing in the horizon and the nearby town was subjected to heavy rains). We held it in Camp Capinpin, where papa was appointed commander last February and where they first met.
• Speaking of appointments, papa got his second star. His confirmation in Malacañang was in the middle of finals week, so that was a bit of a struggle. We had another family portrait taken and we ALL looked considerably fatter. My relief comes from the fact that: (1) it was finals week and (2) we ALL looked fatter.
• I applied for a scholarship. No news yet if anything will come of it, but here's to hoping.
• Also, I was finally assessed as Bracket C in the Socialized Tuition System. Thank you, Lady Luck. Now I just need to pay off that loan so I can take out another loan for the next semester. Goodness gracious my money problems are as big as Godzilla.
• I gained so much weight, and then I lost some. So far I'm failing every attempt of mine to do T25 daily. The longest I've gone is three days straight. Anyway, I'm just trying to exercise as much as I can. I also did one of those lunchbox diet things, which I thoroughly enjoyed, but which I cannot afford for long. Looking back, if only I did not do the lunchbox diet, I would not be in the financial pinch I am in now.
• Finally, it's been a year since Froilan and yaya passed away. I had to save that for last just so I can reduce the negativity in this post.

In terms of my year goals, I think I'm doing okay. The marks from my last cuts are no longer visible, and I haven't intentionally hurt myself in at least three months. Of course, exercise technically falls under self-inflicted pain, but since my exercising/losing weight is getting my mother off my back, it's a good pain. I've consciously tried to be more positive about myself and others, and what bad things I may think or feel about other people, I try not to dwell on too much. I'm still judgmental and aloof but I try not to let that affect my relations with the people I care for. As for others... well, baby steps, right?

In other news, I want a bag of M&M peanuts. I'm pretty sure the benefit to my productivity will be marginal and the detriment to my weight loss journey but ugh cravings.

I really need to reactivate this blog because I realize how many thoughts I have rushing through my mind wanting to be brought into the world but never having any outlet. Like just this afternoon, when I was taking a shower, I finally figured out why some people would joke about eggs being a chicken's menstruation. If I didn't blog, who would I ever tell about that?

Moments

I'm not the biggest fan of life and it's morbidity: its concept of slowly passing by without even the courtesy of letting us know until it has passed, never to return. We had to invent clocks just for that, but when our thoughts and words become too loud, the ticking of clocks is also drowned out; and technology is eliminating that ticking sound. That ticking that reminds us that everything we hold and touch is finite. We alternatively and interchangeably dread and anticipate the coming of weekends and holidays and meetings and exams and outings and dates... and just as soon as they arrive they have the audacity to depart.

But then there are moments. Moments suspended in time, frozen in memory. A mental picture accompanied by a strong feeling of happiness and joy and love. A brief respite, when you wonder what all the fear and doubt is for. Because in those rare moments, life seems to be worth living.

(15 February 2015)

Too Much to Ask? I Hope Not.

I've been following the story of Vidal and Brandon's quest to bring much needed change and inspiration to an area that has been deprived of New York's supposed glitz and glamour. It's heartwarming and beautiful and it restores one's faith in the future.

But when I see photos taken around Vidal's home, I also feel deprived. In the parallel realities that play out in my mind, if Vidal were a teen from our country, he would likely be living in slum-like areas in Metro Manila, possibly studying in an NGO-funded school, accepting handouts for uniforms, and working after class to help his mother sustain their family. Given that he's a bright kid, he could be smart enough to be working anywhere but the streets.

The building he's living in, though he may describe it as filthy, is already a dream for so many of our low and middle wage earners. Like most of our community, they are also living hand to mouth, but they have a roof over their heads that won't be blown away by the first strong gust of wind to pass through. They have passable clothing and presumably enough food to sustain them daily.

I'm not saying that his life is not tough. Contrarily, I wish that while many of our countrymen are still battling with poverty, we could at least provide more of them with their most basic necessities and give them hope that they could someday rise above their struggle.

-----

Photo credits to Humans of New York. This photo of a teen named Vidal is part of a series that managed to raise $700,000 in four days to provide much needed opportunities for the students of Mott Hall Bridges Academy, a school established in 2011 at Brownsville, which has the highest crime rate in Brooklyn. The original caption is:

"The buildings are filthy in the housing projects. Some people poop and pee in the hallways. And some of the people around here aren't friendly. I don't think it's a sadness or anger that they feel, but a sort of emptiness. You look around and see a lot of negative things, and you can't help but feel like you're a part of something negative, and that maybe you're something negative. Part of me wants to leave. But part of me wants to stay, because I have a lot of family nearby, and I don't want to live far away from them."

Never in Full

For the longest time, I've balanced the strategies of compartmentalization and hedging. While I try to minimize the interactions between the different aspects of my life, I also try to make sure that I never give my all to one thing at once. I've done it for the longest time that I can't recall when I started. As long as I can remember, I've done the same with my thoughts and feelings. Even after deep reflection, I cannot recall a single person to whom I've divulged all my secrets or shared all my worries and still felt comfortable enough to continue that friendship. It's just never been my way of doing things.

But I do fantasize. I dream of meeting someone, someday, who I can fully trust. Someone I can surrender all my pent-up emotions and frustrations to, and who I can give all my love to. Someone who could accept everything about me and not force me to change to fit a mold he's prepared. Someone in whose arms I will always find comfort and assurance, and never judgment or resentment. Someone I've dreamed of all my life.

Review and Resolution

2014 in review: I learned that the pain of loss is more devastating than the pain of heartbreak. I learned that when feelings are too great, we lose all capacity for words. I learned that not every form of escapism helps avoid reality. Drinking, eating, and other destructive habits cannot erase emptiness. Traveling, on the other hand, can repair even the greatest damage and plug gaping holes with new memories and experiences. Whether personally or vicariously, by land, air, or sea, new places and new worlds remain the strongest salve.

2015 in target: (1) LOVE. No more lashing out on others, and especially no more lashing out on myself. (2) STRENGTH. Committing to physical health, realizing that spiritual and mental health cannot be detached from it. (3) WISDOM. Investing on what matters, instead of temporary gains and pleasures.