Beautiful Pig

Originally posted in http://precious127.multiply.com/journal/item/15/Beautiful-Pig

I have no problems with my weight, it is you who has a problem with it. I don't care what others may think.Time and again I have proven people wrong of their prejudgements of me, despite my weight.

It is you that is my problem. You and your obvious loathing for what you see in me.

I have enough confidence for me to survive. I may be how I am, but I have a face that is pleasant enough with a personality to kill. I am likeable enough that no one would criticize me openly just because I am fat. And I don't care about what they say behind my back.

FAT. That's the word for it. I AM FAT. Not overweight, not hormonally imbalanced, not metabolically retarded. I. AM. FAT.

Stop projecting your frustrations on me because it doesn't work. Stop comparing me to anyone else because I DON'T CARE. I will lose weight when I want to, on my terms. I am beautiful, and no amount of calories will ever take that away. I know that if I don't control myself I might be too fat to haul my ass off this floor in a couple of years. But even then, I will still see myself for what I really am. I am beautiful. A beautiful pig.

This is my life, not yours. I am not you. Stop trying to turn me into something you want to be but couldn't. Stop forcing me to live a life that is not my own. Stop making me repress who I really am! This is who I am, right here right now. I don't want to be anyone else.

Someday, I'll make you proud. But it will be on my terms, in my own way, with my own methods. Regardless of my weight. You know my potential, what I could be in the future if I just work it. I know you look forward to that day. That day that you'll be proud to say that I am yours - smart, savvy, and with a really sexy body.

Why can't you just love me for who I am now, instead of who I could someday be?

Of Friends, Music and Lots of Words

Originally posted in http://precious127.multiply.com/journal/item/22/Of-Friends-Music-and-Lots-of-Words

You say, I only hear what I want to.

- Stay, Lisa Loeb

16 August 2008, 23.51
     This day ends, for me, with a very pleasant thought. I am gaining friends. It may be too early yet to say that these friendships will be as meaningful as the ones I have, and am, experiencing from the Laudrichites or The Ten/Orange Circle/The Fraternity (once again, special mention to Selah for giving so many names to our female-dominated barkada), but maybe, just maybe, they will be.

    I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't even be thinking about this. But just a few months ago (I am shocked at how time flies), I could barely pick out guests for my debut party (NOT ceremony). The plan was to have 50 guests rocking their heart out on the eve of my 18th birthday, and so far, I could barely think of 20 people whose presence WOULD NOT ruin that night for me, and with the departure of some of those friends to places beyond our timezone, that reduces my "circle" even more to a size i could easily count without using up all my fingers and toes.

    No, I know it is impossible that by the time my birthday comes up, these new friends I've made will be able to achieve what those dearest to me have. I have too many walls and hoops that they will have to break down and jump through to get to the very core of what I am. Walls and hoops that only my friends and not my family have managed to somehow overcome. But maybe, just maybe, the imperfect mix of our various backgrounds and current (and hopefully, future) shared experiences would be enough to bind us together that in four months, these people will still be around to form my group of the 50 most special persons in my life. ê

The Pensive: Preparing for Hell

Originally posted in http://precious127.multiply.com/journal/item/28/The-Pensieve-Preparing-For-Hell.-D
(Made before JPIA 50 hellweek, circa 2009)

A very appropriate title, since our hellweek will officially commence in two days. In the midst of my preparations, many thoughts surface in my mind, and to be quite honest, it's a bit more than I can handle right now. This situation I mainly attribute to the recent conclusion of yet another bloody examination period (otherwise known as the weekly torture caused by Econ 100.1 and BA 99.1,which suppressed all my thoughts),  and thus they are all just rushing in. That being said, I've chosen to enumerate as many thoughts as I possibly can.



1. Why do foreign shows dubbed to the Filipino language seem to lose their original quality? I mean, it's more or less the same dialogue, and the same story line, so why the degradation of the show in whole? Not only that, but why isn't there anything original on local television right now? I'd hate to think that this is all that our artists could come up with. Then again, this sabbatical from quality television can just be in response to the demand of the masses which once again makes me reevaluate my standards and realize that they are probably too high.

2. Why does Chinese Star Movies have to be in pay-per-view, while the other Star channels are already part of the package? I really find it unfair, especially since it seems too much of an expense for us to pay an additional monthly fee for that ONE additional channel because our television's   usually tuned in to the cartoon channels anyway. But still, I want my Asian movies fix!

3. How come the longer a guy is into a relationship, the more he takes on feminine traits? It's not that I'm actually complaining, but it's just a bit puzzling. As for this matter, I feel it more than I think about it, so there isn't really much I could say or do but sigh and miss that one person who's making me think thoughts that I myself do not understand.

4. Who is the tambay princess? I've checked the list of unique characters and there is still no Precious Tandoc, just me and Presh, and the only person with the last name of Tandoc is Darryl. Now, unless one of us got married to him [which both Presh and I vehemently deny], the only possibilty is that it's one of us, or that our tambay hours got combined [as well sa our lst names: Gan + Platon = Ganton or Plagan ], which would make it no wonder that whoever that Precious Tandoc is became the tambay princess.

5. Why do people want things? Why do we aspire to achieve our dreams? Why do we dream at all? What purpose do our dreams wish to achieve, aside from giving us purpose, and if a person doesn't dream at all, then what will happen? Will time stand still? Will he just die? Is there actually anyone who doesn't have dreams at all, consciously or otherwise?

6. What does life have in store for me before I turn 18? In the coming months, will I lose weight, will I grow taller? Will I have greater confidence in myself, or perhaps a greater sense of responsibility? How will my personality, and who I am change? Will I change at all, or will I just stagnate and be the same when I am 18, or 28, or 68 as I am now? I have no fears of growing old, I look forward to the challenge, to its perks and its rheumatisms. But what if I grow old but not change at all? What will happen if I stay in 2008 while the rest of the world moves on?

7. And of course, my all-time favorite: Paano naglalakad ang sirena?

Song: Nothing

Originally posted in http://precious127.multiply.com/journal/item/30/New-Song-NOTHING

Today is, supposedly, study day. But I got sick, and I got a new Jem track, and my sisters got me to watch Camp Rock. So now, I'm trying to study, but I got a few words stuck in my head. Sayang naman if I don't use it. So here it is, another original song. I've got the lyrics nailed and a basic tune, but once again, no accompaniment whatsoever. Jeez, I so need to improve on using instruments. Music writing sucks when it's just in a capella... especially when your nose is shock-full of snot and what-have-yous and your voice is coming out all crazy. Adiway, here id is. Adyone cawes to put some music into it? :p [p.s. will anyone please be honest enough to tell me if it sucks??? please, please, PLEASE do..]

Nothing
Precious Rochelle O. Gan
An Original Work

These are my words
This is my song
The longer you listen
The more you'll know
I am nothing
I am no one
I am fine
I am fine

Looking in the mirror
I see my face
I'm invisible
I am nothing
Walking in a dazed crowd
No one even bothers if I'm alive
If I'm alive

These are my words
This is my song
The longer you listen
The more you'll know
I am nothing
I am no one
But I'm fine
Yes I'm fine

 How do you define ordinary?
What is normal?
What is not?
Living with my own mistakes
Never giving any mind to what is there
I don't really care

These are my words
This is my song
The longer you listen
The more you'll know
I am nothing
I am no one
I am fine
Mighty fine

From this second onward
Quit
Listening to what others have to say
What have you got to say?
No one really matters
Stand up from the shadows and take your place
No more time to waste

These are our words
This is our song
The longer you listen
The more you'll know

These are our words
This is our song
The longer you listen
The more you'll know
We are nothing
We are no one
We are fine

The Worst Thing

http://precious127.multiply.com/journal/item/34/The-Worst-Thing


They say it's better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all. But the worst thing in life is not having loved, but being made to believe that you're actually capable of being loved, when the truth is that you are not capable of being loved by an person or creature, regardless of your affinity and sphere of living, for any extended period of time. To be made to think you were ever worth something, when you truly never were. Not now, not ever, not at all. That is the most painful thing at all.



Not to have loved and lost, but to realize that there was nothing for you to lose in the first place.