Lifting the Cloud

For the sake of my arm that is once again scaly and rough, I hope this works.

Broken Promises

Today I broke a promise I made to myself. Old habits/coping mechanisms die hard.

Time and Tolerance

My take on time is fairly simple. If I like you, whether romantically or platonically, I would generally want to spend time with you. But the time I spend with friends rests on certain conditions. The more aggressive or vexing you are, the less time I can tolerate to spend with you. Alternatively, the more I feel comfortable around you, the more likely I can tolerate you for longer periods. If I am interested in you, expect me to want to spend time with you. It's my dalagang Filipina way of saying, "Hey I like you. Would you like to get to know me better?"

Of course, if I don't like you, i I'm uncomfortable around you, if your personality stresses me out, or if your presence vexes me to a point where I feel like lashing out... I'll avoid you.

You may or may not take my desire to be around you as criticism, but let me try to illustrate my feelings by taking an example from the animal world: I'm like a turtle. I'm slow to warm up to people and I'm mostly fearful of strangers. I take time to embrace people individually because that's really the extent of my capacity. I am patient but my patience has limits. The more you tap on my shell, the more I withdraw. If you try to infiltrate my safe space, and if I have sharp teeth, I could bite.

I Miss You, Part Whatever

She can take over your room, she can take over your chores, she can try to copy your style of cooking, but she'll never be you.

Every dish you used to make, every crease you'd smooth away, every silent tear and quiet wound that you kept a secret for me... I always knew you did it for love. For me.

Now I feel so empty. Because no matter what anyone will say, you remain far away from me.

Diet Pains

The worst part of dieting is the times you forget.

My diet plan is simple. I eat smaller portions to make my stomach smaller, so I won't feel hungry as often, and I'll feel full faster. Based on the feedback I've been getting from people around me, it's been working. Personally, I haven't seen any changes when I look at the mirror. But I do seem to not need as much food recently - which is good, both for my body and my wallet.

My problem is that I sometimes forget.

Take tonight, for example. My mom asked me to go with her to Chelsea Market & Café at Serendra, and of course I was lured by the promise of free food and a promising change in study venue. Alone in my little corner, I ordered my staple café fare (i.e., anything with pesto). My order arrived and I dug in, only to later to feel intense pain radiating from my stomach. In a nutshell, I felt like I was going to burst.

I was eating as much as I used to; the problem is, my stomach cannot take in as much food as it used to.

So there you have it, a painful heads up that my diet plan is actually working.

P.S. I just realized that as I was eating, I was using the spoon to shovel food into my mouth directly from the dish (manners dictate that I should transfer the food into a plate and eat it from there, using a fork). Oops.

Comfort

There are very few people in the world who I can truly say I am fully comfortable with. I could probably count those people in one hand, give or take an extra finger. They're the select few who I never get tired of, with whom I never have to make up excuses so that I can have some much needed space. They understand my need to be alone and when I need their support. So when I do find such people, I treasure them immensely.

Life is difficult enough without having to bend for others all the time.

Somebody Loved - A Message for my Dearest Yaya, 40 days later

You turned me into somebody loved.

When I was young, I dreamt of running away with you and having you adopt me as your real daughter. For a little girl who always felt neglected and ignored, who couldn't understand why her parents are hardly ever around, you were safety and home. Your simple love was the one thing I never had to work hard for, never needed to ask for, never begged for. With you, I never had to put up pretenses. I didn't need to win any pageants, top any exams, or accumulate any talents. You were proud of me because I was your kindest alaga, and that was the ONE thing I was always proud of.

The past weeks have been difficult, and I always feel like I'm drowning. But I'm soldiering on. I'm going to keep doing the things I don't have to do to make you even prouder of me. I'll take care of my parents and I'll raise my siblings well, just like you taught me.

If there is a heaven, rest well and give my regards to our family and friends there. Someday, I'll find you again.

Sand

You were that feeling of sand between my toes

Grainy and warm and the feeling of home

But the sun got high and you turned hot

Burning my feet to unbearable lot

Then the wind came and you made me cry

Wind whipping my hair with you in my eye

At last it rained and I saw you for what you are

My idea of paradise, but ideas can only go so far

I had my period yesterday, so I took the less destructive route and wrote a poem while in the throes of pain. I'd rather not be allergic to painkillers, though.

The Honestly Achievable 2014 Resolution + Challenges

1. Drive to Tagaytay. (Challenge: with family.)
2. Reach 130 lbs. (Challenge: waistline below 30.)
3. Get that tattoo. (Challenge: get an extra piercing IF challenge #2 is met.)
4. Survive a semester without dropping any classes. (Challenge: GWA better than 2.50.)
5. Go out on a real date. (Challenge: go out on two dates.)
6. Wear nothing but a bikini to the beach. (Challenge: post a photo in said bikini.)
7. Go for a month without etching new battle scars. (Challenge: go for three months.)
8. Be more healthy. (Challenge: Go back to Muay Thai and commit for three months.)
9. Beef up on culture.
1.  Watch a concert. (Challenge: buy 3 songs every month.)
2. Watch a play. (Challenge: join an acting workshop OR catch-up on language lessons.)
3. Go to a museum. (Challenge: watch 12 local films.)
10. Get published online. (Challenge: write a YA Philippines-based novel and send it to an agent.)

Image from: http://www.euronews.com/picture-of-the-day/2013/03/26/the-butterfly-effect/