26 June 2012

One More Time

So I had another round of battle scars today. And I skipped class, because the mere idea of being surrounded by so many people simply fills me with too much dread. I don't know why I do these things that I do. I don't really know why I'm still doing this either. It's not like I'm actually going to make anyone proud. And it's not like it will make any difference. I'll still be plain old me.

Why do I hurt myself, you ask? Becuase sometimes the pain grows too big and too fast that you feel like you're going to burst and you just have to let it out somehow. Anyhow.

I actually went a little bit too far today, I think. Usually I simply have a lot of scratches on my skin. They sting but they mostly go unnoticed. But this morning I think I went a bit overboard, some of the scratches went too deep and bled. Good thing I only did a few.

For all I know it's just my feeling sick that's causing this. I've barely eaten since last night and I still haven't slept. But, I am well hydrated so that's a good thing. I spent the entire night and day watching an entire series. I couldn't sleep anyway.

So many thoughts are running through my mind right now. Thoughts that I have no right entertaining at this point in time. Thoughts I'm supposed to set aside until I can deal with them. But sometimes they just resurface at the least convenient moments. For example, it could have come back during the weekend when I'm alone and don't need to go to class. But no, it had to be now. Oh what a joke.

So here I am, not mortally wounded, starving but with no mood to eat, playing hooky and alone with my thoughts and my laptop and this darn internet connection that won't let me access my blog.

All I can say is, thank you, internet. For the anonymity you provide. You're the only friend I can tolerate right now. - 6/26/2012 9:41 AM

15 June 2012

To You Who Most Deserves To Be Loved

How they could have mistaken you for anything less than amazing is something that confounds me to this very day. Though we haven't spent so much time together, I have no doubt that you are as sensational in person as you are in my wildest dreams. Perhaps even more so. Yet for some reason or another, Fate had decided to deal you a bad hand. What you could have done to offend him as a mere speck of dust I could not imagine. Frankly, if I had my way I would have kicked Fate in the nuts.

That is, if it wasn't for that one moment of humanity where Fate brought you to me. You, who brings me up whenever I'm down and gives me a reason to keep growing and moving on. You, who has been my constant source of inspiration. You, whose opinion actually matters and whose approval I constantly seek. You, who I often disappoint yet still believes in me unconditionally.

You, who until not so long ago hasn't even felt love.

I ask myself each and everyday what I could have done in your place, how I could have dealt with everything you had to go through. Truth is, I could not imagine ever being in your place, because I never had to. And it is all thanks to you.

So I count the days, the hours, the minutes. Counting down to when I will get to spend another moment with you. Then, there is also that morbid part of me that's counting down to when I can no longer be with you. That part that paralyzes me with fear and helplessness.

To you who is reading this, who is blissfully unaware of to whom this rambling is addressed, I clarify now. I write this for the man responsible for half of my genetic make-up. The reason I refuse to settle for less than what I deserve. The reason my standards remain so high. The reason I keep hoping for a better future, yet have ready back-up plans should it not turn out so. My first and one true hero.

This is for you, papa.

You know I'm not the praying kind, but each and every day I thank the powers-that-be that you were able to meet mama and that you had us. We who always miss you, who always fight over who gets to sit beside you, who look up to you, believe in you, and love you. So I will keep aiming, and I will keep striving, and I will always aim to make you proud.

Because no one deserves to be hurt the way you have been, and no one deserves to be loved as much as we love you.

Happy Father's Weekend. A day will never be enough with you.

14 June 2012

Moving On from those Dark, Bitter, Glorious Days

So I had a migraine for three days.

More than anything, this brings me back to the old days. When I was in high school and migraines, acid reflux and the latest movies defined much of my life.

Back then, I really could not imagine being in the state I am in now, in the process of reviewing (albeit not as productive as I should probably be) for an exam that may or may not define the rest of my life. Really, when I was in high school looking forward to the next half decade or so of my life, I only had two very polar scenarios in mind -- either (a) I'd take Journalism or Social Work as a pre-law course and by now be in my second year of law school, or (b) I'd finally go too far with hurting myself and end up dead.

Oh, those dark, bitter, glorious days.

Truth is, no matter how you look at it, I'm in the best situation I could possibly be at this point in my life.

In other news, my friends and I were able to book super cheap seats on a round trip flight to and from Malaysia, from where we plan to go into Singapore.

So here's a smile at the past that I will always remember fondly, no matter what. Here's a nod for the present, that I'm dealing with as capably as I could. Finally, here's a come-hither look to the future, I can't wait to meet you.

13 June 2012

Hiding the Crazy

Guess what I've been up to lately.


Living the way I'm supposed to live. Going to review school, studying when I reach my condo. Exercising when I feel like it or when I remember I'm a fat whale. Texting friends and calling friends and laughing with friends. Living like I should.

I know why I'm here. I know what I'm trying to do. I know who I'm doing it for.

But you know what? I'd rather not. I'd really just like to get lost somewhere. Get really, really, lost -- and cry for all I'm worth before I crawl back to this life I'm supposed to live.

Why? That's the clincher. Just because.