16 December 2013

I Have a Happy Crush and it's a Wonderful Feeling... Sometimes

I have a law school happy crush and it's a wonderful feeling. When one has been badly scarred by a past relationship, and life in general, knowing you can still feel butterflies in your stomach is a wonder to behold. And it's amusing how a short conversation with a person you don't have much in common with can brighten up an entire day. Or cause uncontrollable reflexes like unconscious smiling and other tingly feelings.
But it's also embarrassing and nerve-wracking and scary.

It's embarrassing, because when you're attracted to someone, people can tell. Sometimes it's the more obvious signs, like they catch you looking at him when you have no business to. Or it can be more subtle, like that smile you can't seem to keep off your face, that tips people off that you may or may not be attracted to someone in the immediate vicinity.

It becomes nerve-wracking when teasing you becomes everyone's new past time. Even more so when they decide to take it upon themselves to "make it happen". Why? Because moving on to my third point...

It's scary because a happy crush is intended to remain a happy crush. But the more you spend time with the person, partly made possible by these friends who want to "make it happen", the more you risk falling in love.

And I don't need to fall in love right now. I crave it, sure. Strong as I believe myself to be, I remember how much more loved and self-assured and happy I was during the good times in my past relationship. That feeling is addictive, and try as I might I haven't totally rid myself of the hunger for it. Which is not just scary, it's terrifying.

Because what if, because of this terrible jonesing for a love-filled relationship, we mistake crushes for so much more, and in the end, become definitely crushed, broken to the point of no repair?